What Keeps You Going??

What are the things that keep you going? Someone who I still care about asked me this question and when I told this person I couldn't stop thinking about it. I guess I should tell ya'll what exactly are the things that do keep me going..

When I was approached with this question the first thing that popped into my head is my family. They are always my first thought, why? Well because I wanna make them proud of me. I wanna show that I can chase my dream since being in kindergarten and make it a success. I want to be able to have enough money and not struggle how we use too. I wanna prove to my mother and father that I will not make the exact same mistakes that they have in life, I mean yeah I've made some already but I don't wanna fall into the same paths as them. Which i'm actually doing well as to not following my father steps for the simply fact that now i'm going to be in the junior year of high school. I know for just that fact that my father is proud of me :)!

But as I was sitting there I started to think more of it. I realized that there was more to it like the things that I've been through in life. My father's death is one because I look forward to the day that I get to reunite with him and be able to tell him my stories of working with all kinds of different children and their parents and how it was painful to live without him but how I managed to get through it; also I can't wait to finally meet my grandparents that I never got the chance to grow to know. The things I went through with my mother years ago, it makes me wanna be closer to her and never let her run off again. Being bullied by my sister for all my childhood and still sometimes; still keeps me going by telling myself that i'm emotionally stronger these days and no matter what she does or says i'm okay and always will be.
In 2014 the tragic thing that happened to me torn me apart for only a second until I realized I only had me and I had to get through it myself which still try's to break me but I push the thoughts away to remain strong. I mean life really had tested me and tried its best at that time to bring me down but turns out has fail multiple times.. But i'm glad that I could take that time and really apply it to my future somehow some way.. That's half the reason why I am the person I am today because it made me more stronger and cautious about things. Although this thing could have made me a somewhat different person but not that much but i'm kinda glad I get a second chance at my future :)..
Now its 2015 and i'm finally working on myself and my future more than what I have ever before! I guess I could say i'm more proud of myself then I ever thought I would be around this time and this young of a lady :)
As life goes on may it be good!!

God Bless :)  

My Thoughts at the Moment

Guys i'm sorry but I really got to get these thoughts out of my damn mind, i'm going to vent to ya'll. I hope you guys read it instead of being like "omg here's all the bad, sad or dumb things" just be patient please! :)

First off I hate when people ask me "are you left-handed?" Yes everyone i'm left-handed! I also hate when people ask me "why do you have your paper turned like that?" Well one reason is so I can feel comfortable and the other reason is so I don't get lead or pen ink on my hand!!! OH! One last thing is CAN THE PEOPLE THAT MAKE THE SUPPLIES MAKE THEM FOR LEFT HANDED PEOPLE TOO! PLEASE AND THANK YOU :)

I think since I haven't been able to sleep very well i'm feeling sick... I'm having tummy aches, dizzy spells, trouble sleeping and its just annoying. Or maybe i'm just getting sick :( idk but ugh go away! Another thing is i'm rethinking about things that I don't want to rethink about...and asking myself "why did you do it?" "Did you really wanna do it?" "How are you really feeling about this?" "Is there really any feeling from it?" "Do you wanna fall in love again in the future..." "that shouldn't even be a question.." "why am I always having chest pains now?" "maybe its heartache..nahh you threw that shit to the side." "anxiety?" "probably, because you're always shaking." "But what would you get anxiety from..?" "Screw all this bullshit and live your life day by day..." 

School is coming and I have like no classes with any of my friends! :( sucks butt.. Although i'm kinda happy that its going to start soon because I get to focus on the work and distract myself from all the thoughts :). Also I get to start my program which is Patient Care and I have one of my teachers from last year who's going to be teaching it :D! Lunch I have no idea which one I have and hopefully I have it with my best friends reggie and ja'lyn :)... It's Junior year baby! ONE MORE YEAR THEN I'M OUT :). After I graduate I want to take a trip to go see my other best friends that live in Orange,TX! I miss them so much its been to long since we seen each other. :( This year one last STAAR state test then its all about the SAT...

There's one part of my brain that tells me being strong is the best thing you can do for yourself because if not you're going to lose yourself and will not be able to get it back because of everything you been through. The other side tells me its okay if you wanna cry, i'll try guiding you back to yourself..but of course which side wins the side that tells me to be strong because I know I wouldn't be able to get back to the person I am. I would be to stuck in the past and honey let me tell you i'm not the type of person to take a step forward then take two steps back into the past ha I gotta be trippin to do that..I am gonna break free from those chains and move on forward to the future! 

P.S. i'm so proud of myself guys because i'm finally thinning out again and getting back to my old weight :D :)

"I'm emotionally stronger than what I look.."  

God Bless :)

Being Me..

Being me is not all that great and most people tell me "I wish I was you," all I think is no you don't trust me if you knew what was really going on inside this big brain you wouldn't want to be in it... This is me telling what it's like to be me and how it sucks sometimes.

Being me is tough for the simply fact that I don't have my father here anymore to tell me that everything is okay and to actually feel like its true, anyone else can tell me that i mean yeah i'll believe you but I won't have that feeling like it will be.. I'm not trying to make it seem like oh i'm the only girl in the world that lost someone who means a lot to me because i know their are others out there exactly like me but its the way i feel so please don't judge me on the things i will say because all this is coming from the brain as i type :).

Apparently i can be very admired but a lot of people..Well mostly guys lol although i don't do anything for them to like or admire me; recently i had a few guy friends tell me how they actually feel toward me which i'm fine with because i rather them be honest then to lie about things. I just don't understand what i possible did to make them feel the way they do for me and since i just got out of a bad relationship like can you please stop lol... I don't want to be in a relationship now and probably for a long while and it makes it really complicated when they really are trying to be with me; i appreciate the effort but i'm really not looking to be in a relationship.. It kinda hurts me to tell them "i'm sorry but I just don't want to be in a relationship and i want to be just with me,myself and I." 

I'm the type of person that doesn't like to hurt your feelings and put your happiness before mine but now its different, for the fact that i always put people's feelings before mine for so long and now sometimes get called self-fish because i decided to finally care about myself more than them. So would some of you still wanna be me? lol. I know probably to ya'll you would think "oh that's nothing and shes just complaining" but i'm not really because i been put through these things almost my whole life (while my life that i have lived so far lol).

My passed relationship was great at the beginning then eventually got worse but i'm not going to let that get the best of me and I won't let it change me for the worse but i did let it change me for the better. Meaning that i became wiser, smarter, stronger, and know what to look for in a person and how to escape. I'll probably write about it sometime but i can't tell when... God has brought me to hard times but he has never left me through them and he brought me through them, which they all taught me a lesson like for explain my  father passing away taught me how to be responsible, emotionally stronger, and how to live without one of your love ones; how to keep moving on from where you are stuck in life. My other problem taught me things too but so did good things, they taught me how to keep a smile even when your going through something tough because there is happiness just around the corner... :) 

  My smile will continue to shine bright and i hope you let yours do the same!

P.S. I'm sorry i didn't get to what's all in my head but in my other blogs basically tell ;) 

P.P.S. Check them out if you haven't love ya'll :)

God Bless :)

My Beloved Father

Okay guys I'm not trying to be all sad and depressing but my father is what i really have been thinking about for these past days. Tomorrow will make 5 years since he's been gone but the best way i see it is that he is peaceful and having a great time being with family in heaven. :)

My father was very protective over my sister and I, we use to have to stay inside all day everyday unless he said we could go out, which was only when he was out there. We couldn't leave the house if we didn't have on shorts that went to our knees or if we were wearing a dress we had to have shorts on under the dress.. My father was loving, he had sure he gave us love and showed it too. Of course he showed us in different ways but at least he let us know he did. He use to play around with me and give me lots of kisses and hugs to show his love towards me. When it was my sister he showed her a whole different type of love called "Tough Love." The reason why i think he should showed her this type of love is because he could see she was just like him and he wanted her to be as tough and strong as him. While on the other hand there was short and boney me who was a sissy when i was younger but i grew and now i'm still short not as boney and emotionally stronger :).

My father was funny! He use to tell my sister Chastity, my cousin Bre'Donda and I one time we were up around 12 a.m. and playing cards that we were playing cards with the devil because this is his time to be out on the streets looking for people or a game of cards to play. Another time we were up late at night he was telling us that the Man with the Golden Hand was going to come out the wall or through the window and snatch us and never bring us back. He said the Man with the Golden Hand wore a fishing hat with the fishing suit but the main thing that stood out was the golden hand that he used to grab people that he wanted. It might not sound funny to ya'll but if he's ever told you the story then you would be the ones to laugh :) (sorry i couldn't really get into it like him).

Now there's a tradition I started after he passed which is eating one of his favorite foods on the day he passed and the day he was born. One of my father's favorite foods were chill dogs and lay potato chips so that is what i'll be eating tomorrow can't wait i think its becoming one of my favorites lol. 

I'm sorry that i couldn't give ya'll more i hope the next time i can :) hope ya'll enjoy!

 this here is my father :) <3 

A lot of people think that my father is white but not its the other way around my mother is White and while as you can see my father is Mexican! :)

You are missed so much by family and friends and you are loved by many many people! 

R.I.P. Eddie Benavides i love and miss you daddy!

The Future :P

The Future? What does that exactly mean? Future meaning the time or period of time following the moment of speaking or writing; time regarded as still to come. Well with that much said do you ever think about the future? Like what will your career be or are you going to find your true love and get married then have kids later on. If you do think about it that's great but if you don't that's okay but you have to start thinking about it sometime.

When I think about my future I think about my family,friends,what my career is going to be,will i be living on my own and many more things. I think about my family because they are what is most important to me other than school. I want to know that they are going to be safe and have everything to care for themselves. I said my friends because i don't know if i will be friends with them in the close or even the far future. I know that i probably will have some but most i will not have and that's okay because at least i will have some :). One that i think about a lot is my career is because i wanna be a doctor but i'm not really sure what kind i want to be, but i'm choosing between a Pediatrician or a Surgeon or maybe i should be a Pediatric Surgeon! See what i mean by i never stop thinking about it lol. I'm not sure if i will be living on my own or if i'll have a roommate or if i will still be living with my family. School is another thing that i think about because i wanna make sure i pass and not fail so i have to retake a certain class like that will be NO BUENO! lol
I wanna let ya'll in on my little secret ;) when i'm thinking of my future i always listen to my favorite music or i listen to the best remixes of popular music from 2014. When i listen to it, it really brings out everything in my mind that i think of all the good, bad, the future, the past, but when i start thinking of it and i'm all alone i dance it out; all my thoughts,stress,sadness,happiness just everything! I recommend you guys to try it some time :).  Music is like being in a whole different world than the one that we live in and it feels good to escape from it every once in awhile. So if your ever feeling a certain way listen to some music and dance your heart out :)
Other things that i think about in my future is marriage and children, i think do i really want these things or do i just wanna focus on my career. I think about this one a lot i mean i really shouldn't be thinking of this one as much as the others but it really irritates me because i'm really a family oriented person but at the same time all i wanna do is focus on my work. It's just confusing :P BLAHHH! I think about what kind of car i want to drive which for the longest i wanted a Mustang but honestly i don't know what the hell i want lol but first of all i gotta learn how to drive :P
Then i start thinking about will i ever be able to trust someone with my life, like a person that's not apart of my family members that i trust..I think i will be able too but then again nahh but who knows right? So here's to the future may it be the best and not the worst :D

God Bless :)