What Life Means to Me

Hello everyone! I know I haven't posted in a long while but I will try my hardest to update every month!! I love everyone who views and reads and likes and etc. about my blog; I appreciate it and I hope ya'll enjoy this one even more than the others. :) Lets begin!

Life is the condition that distinguishes animals and plants from inorganic matter, including the capacity for growth, reproduction, functional activity, and continual change preceding death. But life to me means to make the best of it, to make something of yourself, to prove yourself wrong on whatever you have told yourself you can not do; to know time in this life, this world is very precious and not a waste of time or just a lay back and chill. No it's always the prefect time to make something out of yourself, out of your life.

Life means to me that its only YOU and GOD to know what to do, where you are and how you will do or get through. Life is amazing because you can only live a certain moment once. Life is amazing because you get to learn things, you get to become wise, you get to help one another. Life is amazing because you get to make the decision you want too, because life is all based on how you want to live it; how far you will push yourself to get to where you wanna be in the present and future. I think life is all about how you have the faith to keep moving forward and through the stress,pain,happiness,loneliness,etc.. Life should be taken more seriously because you never know what will happen but not too seriously because you're gonna want to have some fun in your life! But life is to make a meaning of yourself...like a story.

P.s. I know it was short but I'll try to make the next one longer :)
P.P.s. I don't know why my blog is highlighted..sorry :(

God Bless!:)

Love, What is Love?

Everyone has their different meanings of love but what is the actual definition. Well love means 1. an intense feeling of deep affection. 2. a person or thing that one loves. But do you think that is the true meaning of love to you..I do but also don't feel like it is too me; let me explain below.
To me I think loves means to care, to show the person or people you care for that you care. Let them know that you do and to love also means to have some sort of connection with the person, but true love is more like a spark or shall I say fireworks that keep going and never end.
I think that love should never die out; well if you really think of it you will never really stop loving someone you once loved because true love for someone never dies out. you might say you don't love them or you hate them but really deep down you still somewhat care and still love them you just don't realize it.

    “The Heart is a lonely hunter with only one desire! To find some lasting comfort in the arms of anothers fire...driven by a desperate hunger to the arms of a neon light, the heart is a lonely hunter when there's no sign of love in sight!”~Carson McCullers

My opinion on this quote is that you have to show your love otherwise the other person's heart is lonely and is hungry for the same love they are giving you. But what if you are the type of person that has been broken and don't want to be fixed then broken again..what do you do? 1. make time for yourself 2. remove all the memories of the person from your everyday life 3. disconnect the person from all the social networks you use 4. exercise and eat right 5. try not to be in the same place as the other person, if possible 6. stay positive then eventually comes method 2 the forgiving and understanding.
"True love doesn't mean being inseparable; it means being separated and nothing changes." -Unknown
With my experience with the guy i talked about in some of my previous blogs means a lot to me coming to this quote because although we were separated nothing really changed between us, feeling wise. I still love and care for him and he does the same for me, which comes to the quote because we can actually realize that the love we have for each other is true and not a lie or wrong.
 “We are all a little weird and life’s a little weird, and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love.”~Dr. Seuss
I believe that there are certain people in life that you're comfortable with and that's when your weirdness truly shows but if it doesn't show i think it means that you're not comfortable and you're not in love. So therefore look or watch closely to see if your and their weirdness matches up as one. Good Luck Babes!

God Bless

The Study Guide for CPR

 Hey guys!! I'm trying to study for my CPR test for tomorrow so i hope y'all enjoy my studying skills :)


5 STEPS:

1. check for scene safety

2. check for response

3. point at someone to call 911

4. check pulse

5. start compression's

*REMEMBER*
Don't spend too much time on BREATHING because COMPRESSION'S are more IMPORTANT because of "BLOOD FLOW"

When there's ONLY 1 RESCUER: 

   remember the RATIO 30:2 meaning 30 COMPRESSION'S and to Give 2 BREATHS

*REMEMBER*

PUSH HARD PUSH FAST!
PLACE HANDS ON LOWER HALF OF THE BREASTBONE
KEEP ARMS "LOCKED" OR STRAIGHTEN
ALLOW CHEST RECOIL
GIVE BREATH EVERY 1 SECOND

AED: a DEFIBRILLATOR, to "SHOCK" the victims HEART. 1 pad goes UNDER the LEFT COLLARBONE. the 2nd pad goes UNDER the RIGHT NIPPLE

well that's all i'm going to tell because there's too much lol

GOD BLESS :)

What Keeps You Going??

What are the things that keep you going? Someone who I still care about asked me this question and when I told this person I couldn't stop thinking about it. I guess I should tell ya'll what exactly are the things that do keep me going..

When I was approached with this question the first thing that popped into my head is my family. They are always my first thought, why? Well because I wanna make them proud of me. I wanna show that I can chase my dream since being in kindergarten and make it a success. I want to be able to have enough money and not struggle how we use too. I wanna prove to my mother and father that I will not make the exact same mistakes that they have in life, I mean yeah I've made some already but I don't wanna fall into the same paths as them. Which i'm actually doing well as to not following my father steps for the simply fact that now i'm going to be in the junior year of high school. I know for just that fact that my father is proud of me :)!

But as I was sitting there I started to think more of it. I realized that there was more to it like the things that I've been through in life. My father's death is one because I look forward to the day that I get to reunite with him and be able to tell him my stories of working with all kinds of different children and their parents and how it was painful to live without him but how I managed to get through it; also I can't wait to finally meet my grandparents that I never got the chance to grow to know. The things I went through with my mother years ago, it makes me wanna be closer to her and never let her run off again. Being bullied by my sister for all my childhood and still sometimes; still keeps me going by telling myself that i'm emotionally stronger these days and no matter what she does or says i'm okay and always will be.
In 2014 the tragic thing that happened to me torn me apart for only a second until I realized I only had me and I had to get through it myself which still try's to break me but I push the thoughts away to remain strong. I mean life really had tested me and tried its best at that time to bring me down but turns out has fail multiple times.. But i'm glad that I could take that time and really apply it to my future somehow some way.. That's half the reason why I am the person I am today because it made me more stronger and cautious about things. Although this thing could have made me a somewhat different person but not that much but i'm kinda glad I get a second chance at my future :)..
Now its 2015 and i'm finally working on myself and my future more than what I have ever before! I guess I could say i'm more proud of myself then I ever thought I would be around this time and this young of a lady :)
As life goes on may it be good!!

God Bless :)  

My Thoughts at the Moment

Guys i'm sorry but I really got to get these thoughts out of my damn mind, i'm going to vent to ya'll. I hope you guys read it instead of being like "omg here's all the bad, sad or dumb things" just be patient please! :)

First off I hate when people ask me "are you left-handed?" Yes everyone i'm left-handed! I also hate when people ask me "why do you have your paper turned like that?" Well one reason is so I can feel comfortable and the other reason is so I don't get lead or pen ink on my hand!!! OH! One last thing is CAN THE PEOPLE THAT MAKE THE SUPPLIES MAKE THEM FOR LEFT HANDED PEOPLE TOO! PLEASE AND THANK YOU :)

I think since I haven't been able to sleep very well i'm feeling sick... I'm having tummy aches, dizzy spells, trouble sleeping and its just annoying. Or maybe i'm just getting sick :( idk but ugh go away! Another thing is i'm rethinking about things that I don't want to rethink about...and asking myself "why did you do it?" "Did you really wanna do it?" "How are you really feeling about this?" "Is there really any feeling from it?" "Do you wanna fall in love again in the future..." "that shouldn't even be a question.." "why am I always having chest pains now?" "maybe its heartache..nahh you threw that shit to the side." "anxiety?" "probably, because you're always shaking." "But what would you get anxiety from..?" "Screw all this bullshit and live your life day by day..." 

School is coming and I have like no classes with any of my friends! :( sucks butt.. Although i'm kinda happy that its going to start soon because I get to focus on the work and distract myself from all the thoughts :). Also I get to start my program which is Patient Care and I have one of my teachers from last year who's going to be teaching it :D! Lunch I have no idea which one I have and hopefully I have it with my best friends reggie and ja'lyn :)... It's Junior year baby! ONE MORE YEAR THEN I'M OUT :). After I graduate I want to take a trip to go see my other best friends that live in Orange,TX! I miss them so much its been to long since we seen each other. :( This year one last STAAR state test then its all about the SAT...

There's one part of my brain that tells me being strong is the best thing you can do for yourself because if not you're going to lose yourself and will not be able to get it back because of everything you been through. The other side tells me its okay if you wanna cry, i'll try guiding you back to yourself..but of course which side wins the side that tells me to be strong because I know I wouldn't be able to get back to the person I am. I would be to stuck in the past and honey let me tell you i'm not the type of person to take a step forward then take two steps back into the past ha I gotta be trippin to do that..I am gonna break free from those chains and move on forward to the future! 

P.S. i'm so proud of myself guys because i'm finally thinning out again and getting back to my old weight :D :)

"I'm emotionally stronger than what I look.."  

God Bless :)

Being Me..

Being me is not all that great and most people tell me "I wish I was you," all I think is no you don't trust me if you knew what was really going on inside this big brain you wouldn't want to be in it... This is me telling what it's like to be me and how it sucks sometimes.

Being me is tough for the simply fact that I don't have my father here anymore to tell me that everything is okay and to actually feel like its true, anyone else can tell me that i mean yeah i'll believe you but I won't have that feeling like it will be.. I'm not trying to make it seem like oh i'm the only girl in the world that lost someone who means a lot to me because i know their are others out there exactly like me but its the way i feel so please don't judge me on the things i will say because all this is coming from the brain as i type :).

Apparently i can be very admired but a lot of people..Well mostly guys lol although i don't do anything for them to like or admire me; recently i had a few guy friends tell me how they actually feel toward me which i'm fine with because i rather them be honest then to lie about things. I just don't understand what i possible did to make them feel the way they do for me and since i just got out of a bad relationship like can you please stop lol... I don't want to be in a relationship now and probably for a long while and it makes it really complicated when they really are trying to be with me; i appreciate the effort but i'm really not looking to be in a relationship.. It kinda hurts me to tell them "i'm sorry but I just don't want to be in a relationship and i want to be just with me,myself and I." 

I'm the type of person that doesn't like to hurt your feelings and put your happiness before mine but now its different, for the fact that i always put people's feelings before mine for so long and now sometimes get called self-fish because i decided to finally care about myself more than them. So would some of you still wanna be me? lol. I know probably to ya'll you would think "oh that's nothing and shes just complaining" but i'm not really because i been put through these things almost my whole life (while my life that i have lived so far lol).

My passed relationship was great at the beginning then eventually got worse but i'm not going to let that get the best of me and I won't let it change me for the worse but i did let it change me for the better. Meaning that i became wiser, smarter, stronger, and know what to look for in a person and how to escape. I'll probably write about it sometime but i can't tell when... God has brought me to hard times but he has never left me through them and he brought me through them, which they all taught me a lesson like for explain my  father passing away taught me how to be responsible, emotionally stronger, and how to live without one of your love ones; how to keep moving on from where you are stuck in life. My other problem taught me things too but so did good things, they taught me how to keep a smile even when your going through something tough because there is happiness just around the corner... :) 

  My smile will continue to shine bright and i hope you let yours do the same!

P.S. I'm sorry i didn't get to what's all in my head but in my other blogs basically tell ;) 

P.P.S. Check them out if you haven't love ya'll :)

God Bless :)

My Beloved Father

Okay guys I'm not trying to be all sad and depressing but my father is what i really have been thinking about for these past days. Tomorrow will make 5 years since he's been gone but the best way i see it is that he is peaceful and having a great time being with family in heaven. :)

My father was very protective over my sister and I, we use to have to stay inside all day everyday unless he said we could go out, which was only when he was out there. We couldn't leave the house if we didn't have on shorts that went to our knees or if we were wearing a dress we had to have shorts on under the dress.. My father was loving, he had sure he gave us love and showed it too. Of course he showed us in different ways but at least he let us know he did. He use to play around with me and give me lots of kisses and hugs to show his love towards me. When it was my sister he showed her a whole different type of love called "Tough Love." The reason why i think he should showed her this type of love is because he could see she was just like him and he wanted her to be as tough and strong as him. While on the other hand there was short and boney me who was a sissy when i was younger but i grew and now i'm still short not as boney and emotionally stronger :).

My father was funny! He use to tell my sister Chastity, my cousin Bre'Donda and I one time we were up around 12 a.m. and playing cards that we were playing cards with the devil because this is his time to be out on the streets looking for people or a game of cards to play. Another time we were up late at night he was telling us that the Man with the Golden Hand was going to come out the wall or through the window and snatch us and never bring us back. He said the Man with the Golden Hand wore a fishing hat with the fishing suit but the main thing that stood out was the golden hand that he used to grab people that he wanted. It might not sound funny to ya'll but if he's ever told you the story then you would be the ones to laugh :) (sorry i couldn't really get into it like him).

Now there's a tradition I started after he passed which is eating one of his favorite foods on the day he passed and the day he was born. One of my father's favorite foods were chill dogs and lay potato chips so that is what i'll be eating tomorrow can't wait i think its becoming one of my favorites lol. 

I'm sorry that i couldn't give ya'll more i hope the next time i can :) hope ya'll enjoy!

 this here is my father :) <3 

A lot of people think that my father is white but not its the other way around my mother is White and while as you can see my father is Mexican! :)

You are missed so much by family and friends and you are loved by many many people! 

R.I.P. Eddie Benavides i love and miss you daddy!

The Future :P

The Future? What does that exactly mean? Future meaning the time or period of time following the moment of speaking or writing; time regarded as still to come. Well with that much said do you ever think about the future? Like what will your career be or are you going to find your true love and get married then have kids later on. If you do think about it that's great but if you don't that's okay but you have to start thinking about it sometime.

When I think about my future I think about my family,friends,what my career is going to be,will i be living on my own and many more things. I think about my family because they are what is most important to me other than school. I want to know that they are going to be safe and have everything to care for themselves. I said my friends because i don't know if i will be friends with them in the close or even the far future. I know that i probably will have some but most i will not have and that's okay because at least i will have some :). One that i think about a lot is my career is because i wanna be a doctor but i'm not really sure what kind i want to be, but i'm choosing between a Pediatrician or a Surgeon or maybe i should be a Pediatric Surgeon! See what i mean by i never stop thinking about it lol. I'm not sure if i will be living on my own or if i'll have a roommate or if i will still be living with my family. School is another thing that i think about because i wanna make sure i pass and not fail so i have to retake a certain class like that will be NO BUENO! lol
I wanna let ya'll in on my little secret ;) when i'm thinking of my future i always listen to my favorite music or i listen to the best remixes of popular music from 2014. When i listen to it, it really brings out everything in my mind that i think of all the good, bad, the future, the past, but when i start thinking of it and i'm all alone i dance it out; all my thoughts,stress,sadness,happiness just everything! I recommend you guys to try it some time :).  Music is like being in a whole different world than the one that we live in and it feels good to escape from it every once in awhile. So if your ever feeling a certain way listen to some music and dance your heart out :)
Other things that i think about in my future is marriage and children, i think do i really want these things or do i just wanna focus on my career. I think about this one a lot i mean i really shouldn't be thinking of this one as much as the others but it really irritates me because i'm really a family oriented person but at the same time all i wanna do is focus on my work. It's just confusing :P BLAHHH! I think about what kind of car i want to drive which for the longest i wanted a Mustang but honestly i don't know what the hell i want lol but first of all i gotta learn how to drive :P
Then i start thinking about will i ever be able to trust someone with my life, like a person that's not apart of my family members that i trust..I think i will be able too but then again nahh but who knows right? So here's to the future may it be the best and not the worst :D

God Bless :)

What's on my Mind Right Now :)

Okay so since i can't come up with what to write about i'm just going to tell what's on the mind :). To start off are the people who commented on my Facebook status which were my sister Chastity, my lovely friend Katie and one of my favorite cousins Marcus. Chastity wanted me to tell ya'll how awesome she is lol so i will try my best too.

Chastity is the type of sister who could be mean, nice and silly all at the same time sometimes. She use to always pick on me when we were younger because she had nothing better to do apparently lol. As we got older she became nicer which i enjoy because i'm not yelling for my mom to get her to stop messing with me :P. Chastity is a very silly girl, once you really get to know her she will always make you laugh somehow some way. She does the weirdest things sometimes like one time although i wasn't there my cousin bre snapchatted it to me she was laying on the arm of the couch like my cat Nigel was on the other couch lol. I love the way Chastity tells her stories, she makes different voices and she uses her hands sometimes for you to picture or understand what something looked like or how it happened. Hopefully if you ever see her or know her you will be able to experience what my family, her friends and i go through with her. So i hope that kinda told ya'll how awesome she is and i hope she's happy with what i said :P

Now i want to tell ya'll about my lovely friend Katie. Katie is a very nice person, she let me copy off her work in Geometry because i'm not good at all in math lol (hopefully my mom doesn't read this part). I helped her in English though because she didn't feel like writing about the book we we're reading :P. We use to sit in English on our blow up chairs and just talk with our other friends Johnathan, Tryvon, and the weird guy (i forgot him name) all through class because there wasn't anything really to do. In math we use to play hangman with our other friends Ja'lyn, Cameron, and Taylor because we barely had work in there. But basically all i'm trying to say is Katie is a really good friend and we had a lot of fun during class :).

Next is one of my favorite cousins Marcus. Marcus is a weirdo but i understand him because i'm a weirdo too. He likes to always hang out with his best friend Daniel, every time i ask him "what's up" he says "hanging with Daniel" or "just got home from Daniels" lol. Marcus sometimes likes to make fun of my height because he likes to make people mad cause he thinks its funny at times but it never gets to me because my friends do it a lot haha. He's one of my favorite cousins because he gets me as a person like how being a weirdo sometimes is just apart of my personality and how being kind towards him is not something to be taken for granted.

I know I haven't told ya'll that i was going to write about more people but now that these people are on my mind too why not right? My best friend Becky she is an amazing person because although after i moved from Orange,Texas and we didn't talk for awhile she didn't forget about me like some people have. I feel like she didn't forget what i was like and how i am as a person. We can still have our silly conversations and not feel like awkward people who have drifted away. She's always been there for me but so has everyone else that i have wrote about and going to write about. Becky is a one of a kind friend she's weird, funny, short, kind and loving and trustful. She's always made me feel like i matter in a way that any other person like me didn't and that's why i miss her.

Another one of my best friends which also live in Orange,Texas hasn't forgot about me either. His name is Erick, he's funny,kind, loving and trustful. He's always made me laugh some way and i miss him because he was capable of doing that and making me feel like i matter in a different way then anyone has. Like the other day ago when we were on the phone he was telling one of his family members that he was talking to Shanaynay (or how ever you spell it haha), which made me laugh because he was like shanaynay what did you do today lol. :D 

I want to thank my most favorite cousin Bre'Donda for her support through everything that i have been going through and for supporting me with my blog. I love you girl :). Also to her best friend Hevan she's also being supporting my blog! I want to thank my mom for reading and supporting also :) and to everyone else in this peculiar blog because ya'll have been supporting it too and i couldn't thank you more :D 

THANK YOU GUYS :) I LOVE YA"LL 

God Bless  

The Remembrance of the Funeral..

The morning of August 21,2010 was the day of the funeral. Before i woke up i felt a strong grip around my left shoulder like my father was telling me it was time to wake up and that everything was going to be okay. After getting ready it was time to go and we where riding in a 2 white limos; my mom and sister-in-law was in one with the kidos while my sister, cousin bre'donda, my niece Isabella and i in the other. I'm not going to lie in that moment i forgot about everything and enjoyed the fact i got to ride in a limo for the first time ever :D, but i knew that it wasn't for a good cause. When arriving at the Wyanns Brother Funeral Home we were walking to the entrance when all of a sudden i heard the song "Daddy's Hands" start playing and that's when i lost all control of not trying to cry. 

After getting some what control of crying we started to walk in; all i could see was the copper casket and the fall color roses on top of the casket but with on side of it open. When getting to the casket looking in seeing him lying there still, cold, and breathless was heartbreaking. I decided that i was going to touch my father on last time till i see him again in heaven. So i reached and touched his hands, the feeling of them was hard as rock and cold as ice..they weren't the same but it felt some what good to touch his hands again. I went from touching his hands to touching his tummy and rubbing it all i felt and heard was plastic that was around his stomach area. Looking at his face i realized that my dad's left eye was a little opened. Now that was kinda creepy but his eye used to do that when he was sleeping too lol. 

About half way through we started to listen to the music my tia Corrine made and one of the songs matched him as a person perfectly so we were all laughing and crying in the remembrance of him. The pastor asked if anyone wanted to say a few words but no one did because their to busy crying non stop. I wanted to but i couldn't stop and it would have been even more harder just talking about him.

After it was over my mom,sister-in-law, the kidos,my sister Chastity and my cousin Bre and i went to go eat lunch at Golden Corral. It was delicious food and fun because the kidos were making us laugh with their crazy imaginations :). 

After a couple of days of the funeral i had a dream about the funeral. In the dream i remember walking towards the casket and looking towards the right side in the front and seeing someone wearing an all white suit. When getting to the front i looked at the person and realized it was my older brother Ricky. After everyone seen my dad it was Ricky's turn. Ricky went up there and looked at him then the next thing i saw he jumped in the casket shaking my father saying "POPS! POPS! WAKE UP!" "PLEASE." Then my fathers head fell off and rolled to my feet and i scared and cried even harder. Next thing you know i'm awake in bed crying.

It wasn't the best dream but it was the worst either. I hope you enjoyed the story i promise i will have happier stories coming soon :)

God Bless :)

Flashback to Being Ten..

I hope this one will help everyone understand how I lost my father when I was ten. Please note this one might get a little emotional or too bookwormy (i made that word up haha). I want to tell ya'll my story but i also want ya'll to understand it while reading about this certain story, okay? okay :)

My beloved father had a really bad habit of smoking cigarettes since he was like thirteen (that's what he told me anyway). When i was five or six i wanna say i asked him to quit smoking and he did now normally a doctor would tell you to slow down then quit but no he just stopped! Although the reason i asked him to stop is because i learned in school what was in cigarettes and what could happen to you after smoking for a long time... Cigarettes contains over 4,000 chemicals, including 43 known cancer-causing compounds and 400 other toxins. Cigarette ingredients include nicotine, tar, and carbon monoxide, as well as formaldehyde, ammonia, hydrogen cyanide, arsenic, and DDT. Also containing nicotine which is a highly addictive chemical.

There's different types of sickness you can get from smoking cigarettes. These types are: COPD meaning Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disease which includes- Emphysema and chronic Bronchitis; Lung Cancer and if you have Asthma tobacco smoke can trigger an attack or make an attack worse. Also smokers are 12 to 13 times more likely to die from COPD then non-smokers. The reason why i just told you this is because my father had COPD and Emphysema which got worse in 2010. He had to be put on oxygen tanks to breath because he couldn't even walk a foot away from the stairs without coughing and not being able to breath and in the summer it was worse from the dry air. Since he was put on the oxygen they considered my father disabled and started to give him a social security benefit check to be able to provide for him family and himself. Not much longer after he got his first check he decide to move to a new house something smaller because he didn't want to share a room with my mother anymore, he wanted to isolate himself from her because he didn't want her to see him like that all through the night and also during the day..

Therefore my father stayed in the living room of your home because it was cooler and it was comfortable for him then other places in the house. My father was a tough man he never let sickness, stress or anything really get to him so as for him being on oxygen or being ill was nothing and he kept being himself and still went to work; until one day he realized that he was getting to sick and he couldn't so my mother found a job to pay the bills. Now it was hard for her because she would go to work then coming home to clean, cook and help my father. She was tired and too overwhelmed by all that, and of course she yelled at my sister and I because we weren't helping her out... So eventually we did and that when my dad started asking for my help instead of my mom's i guess because he realized how overwhelmed she was but i don't know.

I remember the constant things he would ask me because he would be to tired from coughing and not being able to breath to do for him like for example he would ask to make him food and get him something to drink. Then when it came to the worse times when he was not able to breath and coughing he asked to turn the fan on high and face it on him, sometimes to grab him a cup of ice cold water to help calm him down, to grab tissue because he would strain so much he would have tears coming down and he needed to blow his nose. There was a lot of things he asked me to do for him..Did i get tired of it? Yeah sometimes because i was trying to do things i needed to do but i got over that fact and realized it was for the better. 

One evening my father called my sister and I into the room and told us he was going to the hospital after mom got off of work cause he wasn't feeling very well. When i left the room he told my sister this " tank i might not be coming back from the hospital so if I don't its going to be your job to take care of your sister, brother and your mom." She didn't quiet understand but in a way she did. When my mother got home my dad and sister left with my mom to take him to the hospital and i was forced to stay home with my little brother Frankie. 

The next morning my mom woke my sister and I up and told us that my father stopped breathing at 3 a.m. and they had to put him on a ventilator- gives the patient the ability to breath. After they put him back in his room about an hour later he woke up and tried to pull the tube out of his throat; which if he had it could have ripped his throat and he would be able to talk. Therefore they were forced at that time to restrain him to the bed. When hearing this it was heartbreaking knowing that if my father was home he would have died in bed all alone in our home. 

When i got the chance to see my father it was even harder to see him tied up and asleep with a tube in his mouth not able to wake up and talk to me and to tell me everything was okay.. It was scary seeing him like that and thinking that yesterday was the last day i would speak to him... After the next couple of days they told us there was no signs of improvement on him breathing on his own so we had to make a decision on to take him off the machine or wait longer...

We decided to take him off because we didn't want him to suffer anymore, we wanted him to be at peace and not fighting and hurting.. The Day came and i ended up getting a stomach bug and couldn't go and my cousin that's like a bigger sister to me named Bre'Donda stayed to take care of me.. I felt bad because she wasn't going to be able to say good bye to him before his last breath.. It really sucks not being able to say that last good bye to one of the most loved ones it makes you think of them every day; it's like it was meant for a reason or something but I don't know... All i know is that i'm glad my father is no longer suffering and is living a happy and peaceful life with god and is a angel with big gorgeous bright white wings and is watching over my family and me.. :)

To my beloved father Eddie Benavides Sr. i love and miss you daddy..

  

Sixteen and Realizing...

Hey guys i'm new to this but i really have been wanting to start a blog for awhile now and i finally got the complete guts to start writing lol. Most of the things that i will be writing about are true things that happened in my life and that come from the mind not from my mind then on paper then here just my mind and here lol. I really hope you guys like my writing :).

Being sixteen and realizing I been through so much since I was 10.. I mean I'm glad that I don't have it really bad as others in the world but i had it sort of tough. Like losing my father at 10 and having to figure out problems that i needed his fathering advice it was tough trying to picture the fact that he wasn't there or ever coming back.. The fact that my mother was moving on from him very early caused a lot of confusion, i asked myself "did she really love him." "why would she want to be with someone else if she missed him or even loved him." but then i thought maybe she started dating that guy because she didn't want to realize she was going to be alone with just us and not with the one she loved. I don't know really but i do know that my mother loved my father so much that she wouldn't just go out with someone because she needed love. After i met the guy she was dating i had a really bad vibe about him and when i told her she never listened so of course having that vibe i didn't want to be in the same household as her or him so i moved with my aunt and uncle. When i started school i had no friends and it was hard the first week then the next week i met a new student her name was Becky and we became best friends then we met our other friends Erick and Devin we all had art class together and it seemed like things were becoming better for me.

Until after a couple of months things got bad between my mother and I, arguing because bad things were happening to her and she didn't want to get away from him because she was so blinded by lust or love. My mother had me really worried for her and my sister and brother because that man was just a horrible person towards my mother..Then one night my mom and my siblings got away and came to my uncle and aunts house with a black eye and a broken heart..I was glad she came to get away but only a couple days later she left and went back..it took her my whole 6th grade year to learn that the man she was dating was not good at all. I didn't want to move back with my mother after i found out that she was done with him because i couldn't trust her after the other time but of course when it got somewhat closer to school starting my uncle and aunt forced me to move back with her so i could gain my relationship with her back and things are so far so good on that :) 

Thanks for reading i hope you are interested in what i have else to write!! :)  

God bless :)