I want everyone to know that I might act okay, I might say I'm okay or fine but really I'm not. My life has always been crazy since I was young. I moved around a lot, I got to watch my very own father die day by day, I watched my mother go through tough times, I watched my sister and I tear each other apart, I sat around and watched myself get torn apart because I thought that I could help change a person to become better. When in reality no one can change unless they want to on their own and not forced or wanted to by another person.
So when someone tells me I have no idea what its like to even go through hell my response will be "everyone has a different type of hell." Don't you all think so? I mean its basically saying the same thing as don't judge a book by its cover because you don't know whats inside; or put yourself in a certain person's shoes because you don't know what they are going through. Are ya'll seeing how all these connect?
Well if you still don't I'm going to let ya'll in on how I felt through those times that I have listed. When I was younger I use to move around a lot so I didn't get to keep my friends for a very long sometimes. I remember feeling like there was no point in having friends because every other school year we moved or it was pointless to even have a lot of friends because of the situation. When I was ten years old I watched my father cough his lungs out day by day and night by night until he decided to go to the hospital. That night he was revived and was put on a ventilator, it was hard and scary seeing him that way. The next day I had gotten a stomach bug and it was the day to say my last goodbye and I didn't get too, which makes me feel as if he's still suffering and so am I.
I've watched my mother go through tough times. Seeing her trying to manage to stay strong for us and dealing with us meaning trying to stop us from arguing about stupid things and trying to teach my little brother how to do things. It made me feel as if she was super woman and she is my role model because she is one reason why I'm strong today. My sister and I fought and said terrible things to each other which made us not talk to each other and dislike another. It made me feel as if I lost the other half of me.. Now this last one is the hardest for me to talk about because its painful.. The guy I was dating for two years had some issues and knowing that I am a good person that likes to help others I was trying to help him and things got a little violent..
I thought that it was my fault for a while but then I realized it was time I leave so I did; but soon I went back and he was acting better and I thought he changed..but did he really?? I'm sure you guessed right, NO he didn't he got so comfortable with me again that he thought it was okay to go back to his old ways or shall I was just his ways...Two years of trying my hardest to help him out and turns out I was tearing myself apart and making myself say "you don't need love, you have yourself and your family." I feel as if I don't believe in love anymore because I'm afraid to.. Does that make any sense? Probably, probably not but what I do know is that all of this has made me the person I am today. The strong one and helpful but cautious..
