What's on my Mind Right Now :)

Okay so since i can't come up with what to write about i'm just going to tell what's on the mind :). To start off are the people who commented on my Facebook status which were my sister Chastity, my lovely friend Katie and one of my favorite cousins Marcus. Chastity wanted me to tell ya'll how awesome she is lol so i will try my best too.

Chastity is the type of sister who could be mean, nice and silly all at the same time sometimes. She use to always pick on me when we were younger because she had nothing better to do apparently lol. As we got older she became nicer which i enjoy because i'm not yelling for my mom to get her to stop messing with me :P. Chastity is a very silly girl, once you really get to know her she will always make you laugh somehow some way. She does the weirdest things sometimes like one time although i wasn't there my cousin bre snapchatted it to me she was laying on the arm of the couch like my cat Nigel was on the other couch lol. I love the way Chastity tells her stories, she makes different voices and she uses her hands sometimes for you to picture or understand what something looked like or how it happened. Hopefully if you ever see her or know her you will be able to experience what my family, her friends and i go through with her. So i hope that kinda told ya'll how awesome she is and i hope she's happy with what i said :P

Now i want to tell ya'll about my lovely friend Katie. Katie is a very nice person, she let me copy off her work in Geometry because i'm not good at all in math lol (hopefully my mom doesn't read this part). I helped her in English though because she didn't feel like writing about the book we we're reading :P. We use to sit in English on our blow up chairs and just talk with our other friends Johnathan, Tryvon, and the weird guy (i forgot him name) all through class because there wasn't anything really to do. In math we use to play hangman with our other friends Ja'lyn, Cameron, and Taylor because we barely had work in there. But basically all i'm trying to say is Katie is a really good friend and we had a lot of fun during class :).

Next is one of my favorite cousins Marcus. Marcus is a weirdo but i understand him because i'm a weirdo too. He likes to always hang out with his best friend Daniel, every time i ask him "what's up" he says "hanging with Daniel" or "just got home from Daniels" lol. Marcus sometimes likes to make fun of my height because he likes to make people mad cause he thinks its funny at times but it never gets to me because my friends do it a lot haha. He's one of my favorite cousins because he gets me as a person like how being a weirdo sometimes is just apart of my personality and how being kind towards him is not something to be taken for granted.

I know I haven't told ya'll that i was going to write about more people but now that these people are on my mind too why not right? My best friend Becky she is an amazing person because although after i moved from Orange,Texas and we didn't talk for awhile she didn't forget about me like some people have. I feel like she didn't forget what i was like and how i am as a person. We can still have our silly conversations and not feel like awkward people who have drifted away. She's always been there for me but so has everyone else that i have wrote about and going to write about. Becky is a one of a kind friend she's weird, funny, short, kind and loving and trustful. She's always made me feel like i matter in a way that any other person like me didn't and that's why i miss her.

Another one of my best friends which also live in Orange,Texas hasn't forgot about me either. His name is Erick, he's funny,kind, loving and trustful. He's always made me laugh some way and i miss him because he was capable of doing that and making me feel like i matter in a different way then anyone has. Like the other day ago when we were on the phone he was telling one of his family members that he was talking to Shanaynay (or how ever you spell it haha), which made me laugh because he was like shanaynay what did you do today lol. :D 

I want to thank my most favorite cousin Bre'Donda for her support through everything that i have been going through and for supporting me with my blog. I love you girl :). Also to her best friend Hevan she's also being supporting my blog! I want to thank my mom for reading and supporting also :) and to everyone else in this peculiar blog because ya'll have been supporting it too and i couldn't thank you more :D 

THANK YOU GUYS :) I LOVE YA"LL 

God Bless  

The Remembrance of the Funeral..

The morning of August 21,2010 was the day of the funeral. Before i woke up i felt a strong grip around my left shoulder like my father was telling me it was time to wake up and that everything was going to be okay. After getting ready it was time to go and we where riding in a 2 white limos; my mom and sister-in-law was in one with the kidos while my sister, cousin bre'donda, my niece Isabella and i in the other. I'm not going to lie in that moment i forgot about everything and enjoyed the fact i got to ride in a limo for the first time ever :D, but i knew that it wasn't for a good cause. When arriving at the Wyanns Brother Funeral Home we were walking to the entrance when all of a sudden i heard the song "Daddy's Hands" start playing and that's when i lost all control of not trying to cry. 

After getting some what control of crying we started to walk in; all i could see was the copper casket and the fall color roses on top of the casket but with on side of it open. When getting to the casket looking in seeing him lying there still, cold, and breathless was heartbreaking. I decided that i was going to touch my father on last time till i see him again in heaven. So i reached and touched his hands, the feeling of them was hard as rock and cold as ice..they weren't the same but it felt some what good to touch his hands again. I went from touching his hands to touching his tummy and rubbing it all i felt and heard was plastic that was around his stomach area. Looking at his face i realized that my dad's left eye was a little opened. Now that was kinda creepy but his eye used to do that when he was sleeping too lol. 

About half way through we started to listen to the music my tia Corrine made and one of the songs matched him as a person perfectly so we were all laughing and crying in the remembrance of him. The pastor asked if anyone wanted to say a few words but no one did because their to busy crying non stop. I wanted to but i couldn't stop and it would have been even more harder just talking about him.

After it was over my mom,sister-in-law, the kidos,my sister Chastity and my cousin Bre and i went to go eat lunch at Golden Corral. It was delicious food and fun because the kidos were making us laugh with their crazy imaginations :). 

After a couple of days of the funeral i had a dream about the funeral. In the dream i remember walking towards the casket and looking towards the right side in the front and seeing someone wearing an all white suit. When getting to the front i looked at the person and realized it was my older brother Ricky. After everyone seen my dad it was Ricky's turn. Ricky went up there and looked at him then the next thing i saw he jumped in the casket shaking my father saying "POPS! POPS! WAKE UP!" "PLEASE." Then my fathers head fell off and rolled to my feet and i scared and cried even harder. Next thing you know i'm awake in bed crying.

It wasn't the best dream but it was the worst either. I hope you enjoyed the story i promise i will have happier stories coming soon :)

God Bless :)

Flashback to Being Ten..

I hope this one will help everyone understand how I lost my father when I was ten. Please note this one might get a little emotional or too bookwormy (i made that word up haha). I want to tell ya'll my story but i also want ya'll to understand it while reading about this certain story, okay? okay :)

My beloved father had a really bad habit of smoking cigarettes since he was like thirteen (that's what he told me anyway). When i was five or six i wanna say i asked him to quit smoking and he did now normally a doctor would tell you to slow down then quit but no he just stopped! Although the reason i asked him to stop is because i learned in school what was in cigarettes and what could happen to you after smoking for a long time... Cigarettes contains over 4,000 chemicals, including 43 known cancer-causing compounds and 400 other toxins. Cigarette ingredients include nicotine, tar, and carbon monoxide, as well as formaldehyde, ammonia, hydrogen cyanide, arsenic, and DDT. Also containing nicotine which is a highly addictive chemical.

There's different types of sickness you can get from smoking cigarettes. These types are: COPD meaning Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disease which includes- Emphysema and chronic Bronchitis; Lung Cancer and if you have Asthma tobacco smoke can trigger an attack or make an attack worse. Also smokers are 12 to 13 times more likely to die from COPD then non-smokers. The reason why i just told you this is because my father had COPD and Emphysema which got worse in 2010. He had to be put on oxygen tanks to breath because he couldn't even walk a foot away from the stairs without coughing and not being able to breath and in the summer it was worse from the dry air. Since he was put on the oxygen they considered my father disabled and started to give him a social security benefit check to be able to provide for him family and himself. Not much longer after he got his first check he decide to move to a new house something smaller because he didn't want to share a room with my mother anymore, he wanted to isolate himself from her because he didn't want her to see him like that all through the night and also during the day..

Therefore my father stayed in the living room of your home because it was cooler and it was comfortable for him then other places in the house. My father was a tough man he never let sickness, stress or anything really get to him so as for him being on oxygen or being ill was nothing and he kept being himself and still went to work; until one day he realized that he was getting to sick and he couldn't so my mother found a job to pay the bills. Now it was hard for her because she would go to work then coming home to clean, cook and help my father. She was tired and too overwhelmed by all that, and of course she yelled at my sister and I because we weren't helping her out... So eventually we did and that when my dad started asking for my help instead of my mom's i guess because he realized how overwhelmed she was but i don't know.

I remember the constant things he would ask me because he would be to tired from coughing and not being able to breath to do for him like for example he would ask to make him food and get him something to drink. Then when it came to the worse times when he was not able to breath and coughing he asked to turn the fan on high and face it on him, sometimes to grab him a cup of ice cold water to help calm him down, to grab tissue because he would strain so much he would have tears coming down and he needed to blow his nose. There was a lot of things he asked me to do for him..Did i get tired of it? Yeah sometimes because i was trying to do things i needed to do but i got over that fact and realized it was for the better. 

One evening my father called my sister and I into the room and told us he was going to the hospital after mom got off of work cause he wasn't feeling very well. When i left the room he told my sister this " tank i might not be coming back from the hospital so if I don't its going to be your job to take care of your sister, brother and your mom." She didn't quiet understand but in a way she did. When my mother got home my dad and sister left with my mom to take him to the hospital and i was forced to stay home with my little brother Frankie. 

The next morning my mom woke my sister and I up and told us that my father stopped breathing at 3 a.m. and they had to put him on a ventilator- gives the patient the ability to breath. After they put him back in his room about an hour later he woke up and tried to pull the tube out of his throat; which if he had it could have ripped his throat and he would be able to talk. Therefore they were forced at that time to restrain him to the bed. When hearing this it was heartbreaking knowing that if my father was home he would have died in bed all alone in our home. 

When i got the chance to see my father it was even harder to see him tied up and asleep with a tube in his mouth not able to wake up and talk to me and to tell me everything was okay.. It was scary seeing him like that and thinking that yesterday was the last day i would speak to him... After the next couple of days they told us there was no signs of improvement on him breathing on his own so we had to make a decision on to take him off the machine or wait longer...

We decided to take him off because we didn't want him to suffer anymore, we wanted him to be at peace and not fighting and hurting.. The Day came and i ended up getting a stomach bug and couldn't go and my cousin that's like a bigger sister to me named Bre'Donda stayed to take care of me.. I felt bad because she wasn't going to be able to say good bye to him before his last breath.. It really sucks not being able to say that last good bye to one of the most loved ones it makes you think of them every day; it's like it was meant for a reason or something but I don't know... All i know is that i'm glad my father is no longer suffering and is living a happy and peaceful life with god and is a angel with big gorgeous bright white wings and is watching over my family and me.. :)

To my beloved father Eddie Benavides Sr. i love and miss you daddy..

  

Sixteen and Realizing...

Hey guys i'm new to this but i really have been wanting to start a blog for awhile now and i finally got the complete guts to start writing lol. Most of the things that i will be writing about are true things that happened in my life and that come from the mind not from my mind then on paper then here just my mind and here lol. I really hope you guys like my writing :).

Being sixteen and realizing I been through so much since I was 10.. I mean I'm glad that I don't have it really bad as others in the world but i had it sort of tough. Like losing my father at 10 and having to figure out problems that i needed his fathering advice it was tough trying to picture the fact that he wasn't there or ever coming back.. The fact that my mother was moving on from him very early caused a lot of confusion, i asked myself "did she really love him." "why would she want to be with someone else if she missed him or even loved him." but then i thought maybe she started dating that guy because she didn't want to realize she was going to be alone with just us and not with the one she loved. I don't know really but i do know that my mother loved my father so much that she wouldn't just go out with someone because she needed love. After i met the guy she was dating i had a really bad vibe about him and when i told her she never listened so of course having that vibe i didn't want to be in the same household as her or him so i moved with my aunt and uncle. When i started school i had no friends and it was hard the first week then the next week i met a new student her name was Becky and we became best friends then we met our other friends Erick and Devin we all had art class together and it seemed like things were becoming better for me.

Until after a couple of months things got bad between my mother and I, arguing because bad things were happening to her and she didn't want to get away from him because she was so blinded by lust or love. My mother had me really worried for her and my sister and brother because that man was just a horrible person towards my mother..Then one night my mom and my siblings got away and came to my uncle and aunts house with a black eye and a broken heart..I was glad she came to get away but only a couple days later she left and went back..it took her my whole 6th grade year to learn that the man she was dating was not good at all. I didn't want to move back with my mother after i found out that she was done with him because i couldn't trust her after the other time but of course when it got somewhat closer to school starting my uncle and aunt forced me to move back with her so i could gain my relationship with her back and things are so far so good on that :) 

Thanks for reading i hope you are interested in what i have else to write!! :)  

God bless :)