Heartache

Is this smile on my face fake? Or is it real? Honestly, I can't tell anymore.. I thought that leaving was a good idea because of all that I've been through.No, let me rephrase that what we've been through.I feel like I'm caving like I'm falling back into the love circle that I had trouble leaving. But do I wanna be back in it? Or am I just feeling the guilt and loneliness?
Of course, I do miss the good times with him. From all the weird moments we had together was like a fairy tale because no matter what we had gone through mattered to me anymore until he got too comfortable with me again. But is it wrong for a person to be so comfortable with another? Maybe not but maybe there also is depending on the situation at hand or always happening when being comfortable around that certain person.

What do yall think??

I've been trying my best to forget about him and everything that's happened but it's not easy and not only that but it's hard to forgive a person that's put you through some hell! Honestly, I think that I'm all types of screwed up or maybe I just don't have the heart to love or even know what love is because life has put me through a hell of a lot of pain and heartache.

What would you do?

Being the age of 16 and going through more than what a teenager is expected to is more exhausting then it looks and feels.. After losing my father 5 years ago, I never thought that I would have lost my first love (my father). I always thought that he would be the one to tell me all guys are jerks but there will be the one that will be a jerk to you at first but then falls madly in love with you and treats you like his damn queen that walks on water like Jesus..
The heartache of losing a parent by death can never be filled, it will always be an open wound or there would be an unsewed piece of your heart just waiting to be refilled or sewed back together by seeing them forever.
So my heart hasn't been the healthiest since then and now its worse because of trying to help the one I loved to change into something to be proud and happy of, I say I hate him; I do but I still love him because he was my first love other than my wonderful father who now rests in heaven.

I thought life would have been easier for me but by the looks of it and it's only going to get harder.



Be free to answer the questions don't be afraid I would love to read your thoughts :)